From Awoosh Spl00ge Blog: CARRY ON BLUESA poem for posterity.
I penned the ditty below on return from Fiji in July, where I had a very unpleasant experience trying to carry on my (fragile) camera equipment onto a Fiji Air Pacific 747 flight in Nadi Airport. No problems coming out of LAX on the same aircraft/carrier/route - but coming out of Fiji? Busted on the weight of my carry on rolling bag by some young, inconsistent whippersnapper who had the power trip position of arbitrarily culling folks like myself out of the security line to have their carry on bags weighed.
Air Pacific has a crazy policy of *one* carry on piece of baggage for international flights, maximum 5 kg (that's 11 lb for you non-Metric folk). Crikey - the bag weighs at least 5 lb empty!
Here's my message to Air Pacific - if you are going to (arbitrarily) enforce your ridiculously low carry on baggage allowance, do it at the check in counter, and do it for all passengers. Don't wait until folks are clearing security to go to their gate to nail them and tell them that their bag is overweight and must be checked, and then direct them back to the check in counter where another 747 load of passengers is lined up to kingdom come waiting to check in, which for all intents and purposes means that a cabin bag that is 10 lb overweight, and that you insist must be checked, is going to make a passenger miss their flight. Jeesh.
Now, in theory, I don't object to reasonable bag weight restrictions imposed for safety reasons (ie maximum weight capacity of overhead bins, or total weight allowances on small aircraft, or in an effort to lessen work-related injuries of baggage handlers), but on a 747 is my extra 10 lbs or so of camera gear, in a carry on bag, going to make a whit of difference? I think not.
Most US carriers do not stipulate a maximum carry on baggage weight allowance (acceptable dimensions are somewhat universal for all airlines ie if it don't fit in the bin or under the seat in front of you, it goes in the hold). The airlines that do stipulate weight restrictions - Air Canada for instance, offer 2 bags for a maximum 44 lb carry on limit - but I have yet to have my carry on bag weighed by Air Canada, and I suffer, er, fly Air Canada quite allot.
I have long opined that there is discrimination happening in the airline industry - where else in the business of moving things is the weight and bulk of the cargo calculated on a flat rate, one size fits all? Why does a 120 lb individual pay the same freight as an individual who weighs 300 lb?
In Judy's Ideal World (and what a rarified place that would be ;^) it would seem fairer to weigh an individual and their luggage, for a total reasonable weight allotment per passenger. Carrying more than the total allotment on your bones and/or in your bags? - well then, to be fair, surcharges should apply in both cases, no?
Of course, this will never fly - the large people of the world will boohoo about discrimination and human rights and that it is just not fair.
Fair? Don't even get me started about a recent Lufthansa flight to Germany where my seatmate in a 2-4-2 configuration (I was in A, she was in B), was a person of very large proportions, whom, while I was trying to catch some shut eye, lifted the armrest and proceeded to ooze/snooze into my seat, to the point where she not only took up her seat, but half of mine as well, all the while subjecting me to continuous full body side pressure - from shoulder to ankle.
There was no escape - I was huddled into the window well for 9 hours, but could not get away from being touched against my will, and the more I tried to move over to avoid physical contact, the more space she claimed. The flight was packed; there were no empty seats that I could see, and so no way out. Seriously. It was truly uncomfortable and an unwanted invasion of my personal space.
Afterwards, some of the folks with whom I shared the story of my flight from hell (and I haven't even shared with you that she consumed 3 Warsteiners with dinner and proceeded to flatulate for the duration, nor that every time she nodded off, her left arm, which she stowed across her chest since there was nowhere else to put it, was released from her grip and smacked me ;^) suggested that I should have snagged a flight attendant and asked him/her to deal with the situation. Truly, I had empathy (at least in the early hours of the flight) for this German lady, as it must be very uncomfortable to fly squeezed into lilliputian airline seats in the back of the bus when one is of large dimensions, and I certainly did not want to embarrass her by complaining, so I did nothing but suck it up like the polite Canadian I try to be.
But, I ask you, is it fair that folks must share their seats, for which they have paid large dollars, not to mention completely relinquish the use of the armrest, and several inches of their space adjacent to it, because another passenger exceeds the space they purchased?
Not so much.
....................................................
Anyhoo, here is my parody/cathartic exercise: Carry On Blues [To the tune of Summertime Blues, with a little poetic license]:
Well, I'm gonna raise a fuss, I'm gonna raise a holler
Been working all year just to pay big dollars
For a crappy seat with leg room for a dwarf
And food & beverage service that makes you wanna barf
And every time I take a flight, I get nuthin' but grief
Treated like a terrorist, or some at least some kinda thief
My bags they get picked over, and all liquids are taboo
The bastards even took my 3 oz tester of shampoo
Sometimes I wonder how a girl's gotta pack
To keep the airport monkeys from climbing on her back
Well my dive buddies told me, "you gotta carry on your gear”
Cuz TSA will break it, if they think that it looks queer
The scanners and the handlers they ain't got no respect
So cameras and regs n stuff fer sure are gonna get wrecked
Well you can't carry it on cuz they say it weighs too much
And you can't check it in cuz of baggage chimps and such
And if you chance to check it, don't count on its arrival
So many bags are lost in space: it's a fustercluck revival
Sometimes I wonder what a girl's gotta do
To get herself to a dive trip, with her gear bags too
When I tell my travel agent about these sorry woes
"I'd like to help you girl but that's just the way it goes”
So I'm gonna stuff two bags, gonna sneak 'em past the scale
I'm gonna carry on my stuff, the chimps can go to hell
Since 9/11 the airline industry’s a joke
Only nobody's laughing, they're just hassling us good folks
Pat downs and shoes off and secondary screening
Have left this forty something housewife positively steaming
Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do
But there ain't no cure for these traveling blues
So bring on databases, and retinal scans
I've got nothing to hide, and neither does my man
We just wanna travel in peace, without all this crap
And get some basic respect from grumpy airport staff
Give us a decent bag allowance, most times it’s much too low
And let us carry on our camera stuff, it's delicate you know
The guy sitting next to me weighs a quarter ton & overflows his seat
He's packing 5 carry ons or more, measured out in meat
Sometimes I wonder what I am going to do
Cuz there ain't no cure for these carry on blues
It's all about dollars - finding a way to pad the fare
They forget it's a competitive business, to get us from here to there
My dollars are going to airlines that go easy on the weight
And have a decent record for not arriving late by Judy G 12/7/07
Awoosh Spl00ge Blog
Be sure to also see Judy's website, Awoosh.com (you've got to check out the incredible slideshows!). She also wrote an article about the Fights From Hell website called "Schadenfreude", as well as yet another flight from hell article - "Hello? Tokyo?"
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From SkunkMonkey.com: ANOTHER FLIGHT FROM HELLWell, I’m just back from Saint Thomas and I had a blast. While I did have a great time there, the flight back was a nightmare. I’ve been through emergency landings and forced evacuations due to fire as well as the usual screaming kids and turbulence but this flight was insane.
This flight was just bad news from even before I got on the plane. Going through the customs gauntlet, I get “randomly” selected for the upgraded search complete with chemical sniffing and full pat down body search. I have the feeling they picked me because I was sweating like some nervous tourist.. err, terrorist. I mean, it’s only 85F, I’m wearing long pants for cold temps at my destination and I’m a fat guy. Hello? Fat people sweat a lot! They find dangerous pudding in my camera bag that was in there when I went through in Dulles. Who cares if it’s heading out of the country, just don’t let that deadly pudding in the U.S.!
I wasn’t worried about missing the flight, since it had been delayed 2 hours out of Chicago and was on a stop-over before continuing to San Juan. For a lot of the passengers already on the plane, they were less than 30 minute flight from home and wanted it over with now.
Now I am a big guy and moving down the isle of an airplane is already a tight experience so I usually make accommodations for others I may have to pass in the isle. So I am going down the isle and stop for the person in front of me to stow baggage overhead and take a seat in that row. Just past her coming up the isle in the opposite direction is a short, fat Puerto Rican old lady I see I am going to have to pass.
I start planning the pass by noticing that the row to the right has an empty seat that one of us can use as a passing lane. I figure I will step in there and let the lady pass. As the gentleman in front of me finally takes his seat to the left, I prepare to step forward and to the left to let the woman pass.
As soon as this man moved to the left the woman moves forward at me before I can suggest the passing move. Since I had started forward as well, I have to stop and step back into the people behind me. After turning around to apologize for stepping into the person behind me, I turn back around and motion to the woman that either I can move into the empty seat or she can. To my horror, she steps forward towards me cutting of the access to the empty seat and “assumes the position”. You know the move, ass out and bent forward as to say, “Ok, you can pass now.” The only problem is she’s not using the empty seat, she’s hobbled over the poor guy that just sat down!
Now this is where the laws of physics came into play. You cannot pass two massive objects through a narrow gate. I motioned to the woman that she might want to use the empty seat or let me. Apparently she doesn’t understand English and the people behind me are getting impatient.
So I give short “Hmmff” and push past the woman making for a rough experience and head for my seat. A short time later I see the woman coming down the isle carefully scanning each row. It doesn’t even dawn on me that she might be looking for me, so I don’t think anything of it. After looking in the last three rows behind me, she comes back and points her fist at me for the attendant. I’m like “What? What’s the problem?”
The attendant explains to me that she is complaining that I injured her and wants to file charges and get the police involved. I am totally shocked. Are you fucking kidding me? At this point, the passengers around me are also shocked and start saying the woman was already a problem. They are getting really ticked off and believe that I did nothing wrong.
The attendant then asked the people near the area that the incident occurred and all say the same thing, that the woman made no effort to allow me to pass without forcing my way by. They convince this woman that for every action there is a reaction and I just might also be able to press charges. I would have too! “That woman grabbed my crotch as I went by!”. She finally gave up but not after adding another 20 minutes to our delay time.
During all this, some young, hot looking Puerto Rican girl was getting all loud and cranky. She got up to use the bathroom and decided to have a smoke. ARG! Now the crew comes on and has to admonish the passengers for smoking in the bathroom. It stunk really bad too, I don’t smoke so it was really obvious.
Now add to all this a baby that just will not STFU and screams at the top of his very large lungs. Yup, it’s the flight from Hell and we haven’t even left the ground!
We finally get off the ground and on the way. The stop in San Juan was very short allowing us to make up almost an hour on the delay. This time in mid-flight, a gentleman has breathing difficulty and there is an emergency. They were just about to serve snacks in my row and the attendant had to roll the cart away to handle the situation. Twice more an event would cause the drink/snack cart to be rolled away as it got close to me.
When we finally land at Dulles, the passengers are asked to remain seated while paramedics attend to the ill passenger. The seat belt light is on to help remind people. What happens? People start standing up, opening overhead compartments and move around. This was going on the whole flight too! Every time we were asked to return to our seats and buckle up, there was always 203 people that would do as they please. I wanted to just get up and rabbit punch these stupid bastards, is “stay seated” too complex of a command for you to comprehend?
Arg! I can’t imagine a worse flight! Kudos to the attendants on that flight. They were being beat on by some passengers and did the best they could as the shit flowed around them. Despite having such a horrible flight, I am still going to fly United as the bad experience was not the fault of the airline or its employee’s, but the actions of some really stupid passengers.
Meh!
by Skunky 2/27/08
SkunkMonkey.com
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